This movie was not that good. Like I watched part of it at my parents house and was like ok what is this. The first like your is pretty chill to be honest, but then it starts to get a little weird. Well, more weird. It’s already a weird film. So let me get into why I dislike this movie.

The pacing; it is very fast paced and has a bunch of different storylines all going on in parallel to drive the main story. But like, they all feel like they are competing to be the viewers main attention. Like they added a bunch of fluff and filler by having supporting side stories, but there are literally too many supporting side stories. Like they have added four different love stories with at least one love triangle just to make this movie interesting. This increased amount of romance just gives the really hard topics of the movie a minimized view. Like if you want to talk about the hero’s saving the day, do that! Don’t add this random wishy washy love stuff. It makes me feel like I’m watching the gritty Superman movies. I cannot believe that this is how they wanted to make the film. These characters are supposedly powerful beings and yet they lack like any dimension. It feels like they added all of this random stuff with multiple villains and soap opera romance just to increase the time of the movie. Like they have a random ass betrayal for no reason that literally gets resolved in two seconds.

This movies has some weird and cool visuals. Bravo to however did the magic or whatever their powers are, those visuals are amazing. But like, in the fight scenes it is really clear what is computer generated and what is not. The characters look like plastic toy soldiers running around. They added way to many visual elements, like they all look stunning but there are so many that its chuffed. They have some gorgeous, absolutely fantastic shots. But every shot is that way. It’s like they took Stanley Kubrick’s philosophy of “ever frame is a masterpiece” and decided to go way further. Visually it is stunning, they need to get all of the awards for great landscape shots. Just not the weird plastic shit that goes on in the fight scenes.

The acting in this is alright, like the actors did very well portraying their characters. There’s just a lot of really weird plot holes in the film that is the writing teams fault. First off, the one character is mute and does sign language which is amazing! Like I absolutely love that they had this character, she is fast and mute and witty and is overall one of my favorite speedster in comic movies (Quick Silver played by Evan Peters is the best fight me). They never explain though how and why she is communicating with these beings that are millions of years old in American Sign Language. Like the film is tongue and cheek with some things saying that some of Humanities quirks and myths exist because of the eternals but they never say “Oh yeah the speedster chick taught humanity how to do sign language”. She just has sign language that everyone already understands. Then there’s the guy that literally is like “Ayo, I can control humans and end all wars I am leaving.” But he doesn’t ever end all the wars. He just goes and hold up in the forrest with some kidnapped humans and pouts like a lil bitch. Then theirs the one guy that wants to help humanity, he makes the nuke, then swears he won’t help them anymore. Like dawg, you’ve been around humanity since the genesis of society. If you hand them a spear they are going to go stab something with it, you should know better. Otherwise, he is like the coolest character. Straight up I love him so freaking much. Then theirs just a character named Sprite. Homegirls who name is a beverage, and her personality is tinker bell but she can actually talk and never communicates her feels except after like 7000 years. Like dawg, how have you not had this conversation. Then theirs the dude with like the finger guns, and he is absolutely hilarious. But like, he just dips right before the final battle. Like what? He just dips, and then shows up for the after party and acts like he was there. Nah. He is a cool character but he is also confusing, why include him if he’s not going to be in the actual final live or die battle. Then you have Superman rip off, he straight up has the personality of a damp paper towel. He’s portrayed as this amazing guy whose helping everyone until like right at the end where its shown that he is trying to stop everyone. Then he doesn’t even have the balls to stop them, because he is in love with the main girl. Have you seen the meme about how all the guys on the show “the Bachelor” look like there is no thoughts going on in their, just rotating potato in a microwave noises. Yeah, that’s this guy. Homeboy helps save the day in the end then kills himself. Why? Not really explained. How? Flying into the sun. Superman IV is calling, they want their ending back. Then there is the elite leader of this crew, and what does she do? She heals and talks to the boss. Also does nothing to stop major things from really happening; you know, the whole job of a leader? Yeah, its wack. Her character exists to die pretty much. The main lady is really cool, but like she spent the majority of her time for thousands of years becoming a teacher and dating numerous men? It is weird. Gilgamesh and Thena where cool, like only side story I was really invested in if I am being honest. They get a pass from me, I’m not annoyed with them. The writing feels sloppy for a Marvel movie. Like the jokes are there, but the characters feel awful. Some of them are really good, but like not the majority of them. I’ll be honest, this characters in this film feel like they were written and made a specific way so that they could have cool toy collections with action figures and a ton of diversity. Stuff felt forced, which in turn took away from the genuineness of it. From what I have seen of the other reviews, I am not very far off apparently.

Honestly, this movie doesn’t feel like it was worth the entire watch time. I feel like you could have cut out 2/3 of the stories and it would have been a much better film. But no, we need exposition and love in the face of these all powerful beings. Because they need to be relatable! Honestly, almost the entire character of Sprite is hysterical to me.

“Your name is literally a noun.” -Drunkboss

What would I rate this movie? It has a lot of things going for it. But overall, I am going to have to go with 2/5. That is what I think it averages out to be roughly. I can’t say its middle of the road, its too ambitions in my opinion. It’s higher on the visuals scale but the averages just mess up my rating sadly.

2/5

-Ben