Within the confines of myself I see worlds of unparalleled beauty, ever stretching universe confined within the pieces of meat rattling betwixt my biological stone skull. I hear whispers from these vast expansive worlds to bring them to others, to show those stories to those willing to listen. I feel my identity lies within the deep philosophy of the human race, and yet I also find myself with intense structured logic. My words pour from my fingertips to page and webpage, my thoughts transcribed line by line defining what is abstract as concrete by giving shape to the worlds via words. The depth of my philosophies and the vastness that they encompass lead me to fall into certain mindsets often. My moods seem to dictate what philosophy I will choose for a given situation. Selected to best fit the category, best selected to fit the necessity. But identifying necessity, I identify the needed response. Either a cold, logical, calculated mentality to overcome an obstacle, or a fluid, easy going, carefree mentality. My brain flips like a metronome between these two mentalities. My identity lies as the average of the sum of all ideas, and for the most part I fall somewhere in the middle. But how can you average mentalities? How can you average quantities unquantifiable? This I do not know, I do know that my mood influences my thoughts, and my surroundings influence my mood, and my actions influence everything. Everything is connected, and yet nothing is. The dependencies of the inner workings of my brain are an enigma to the conscience that pilots my the meat and biological stone prison. The needs are known, but the radical shifts and changing dependencies are variables that can alter my mood slowly or on a dime. A curious question is always posed, and a curious answer is always derived. My identity is at odds with itself, it is an ever changing construct that adapts and evolves to the situation. I have often wondered what effects intoxicants would have on my identity, and I often wonder if I am crazy? Madness is something I have trifled with before, an experience that is all to familiar to my brain. But is this madness? No. Is this the residual effects of madness? No. I have corrected my madness multiple times before, I know at which point the worlds within my head break down. I know at which point my intellect is being bent and tested by its own self in order to arrive at conclusions to answer questions no one ever asked. If not madness, what is this weird world that my brain resides within? Have the damages over the years eroded my sense of self to where the search for identity within my identities are conflicted? No. I think I am stable enough to notice changes such as those. I that I know myself better, I feel that I have identities for certain situations but that they do not have individual names. I feel like I have meddled in so many circles that it has generated masks for myself to put on in order to conform to a situation. I do not fear that the fact that I feel like I have multiple identities, because I feel I am in control of myself and which one is presented to the world. I don’t feel that I am going crazy, but I do worry about my future life. Who will I be? What identities will survive the test of time? What will be dropped and lost to the ever vast landscapes created and destroyed in a blink of an eye within my own head? I am medicated, and well off. I know that these problems I have are merely self-conscience reflections of myself. The mirror to my soul and mind is not a mirror itself but the words I put to print. Depending on the day, the mirror looks different. Do these concerns exist in those I love and care about? I do not believe so, I do believe that by mentioning them to others their concern may grow. However, transparency into the inner workings of my brain seems to have resulted in positive growth and interactions. Brutal honesty seems to be a fixed constant, I feel no need to hide and obscure what I am thinking. And if I do, it is usually only a matter of time before the hidden becomes an outputted expression. I know that part of my family has a history of mental afflictions. In order to keep myself honest, I must recognize that there is the possibility for inherited issues from both genetics and life experience. Nature and nurture might have gifted me with some of these issues. It seems however that I do not experience such issues, but that is right now. But constantly recursively checking and auditing my own mind under greater scrutiny than most would ever dare to utilize I combat these issues but identifying and adapting. I hope that I do not encounter split personalities, or bipolar disorder, or incredible personality changes. But I have no way of knowing what the grand scheme of things will entail. Much like my mind, the grand calculus of the universe is unknown until it has been executed. The final outcomes remain unknown until the die have been cast onto the board. Who am I? Well who are you? Based off the context of who you are in that moment I might be someone you need, or not need. I think that my true identity is to be fluid and flexible, my identity is to have many identities. Perhaps this is the case, the day by day changes are uncertain. I might think primarily one way for weeks on end, then I might think some other way later on. That or maybe my identity is yet to be set in stone. Maybe it is changing and shifting so much in its current state because it has yet to set up and solidify. Maybe I am suppose to learn from these identities at odds in order to assemble my own. I think it is mostly defined, but I do not know. The flow of time is a stream, ever flowing and unyielding. Often we ride its current as an observer or a participant within its current. Maybe I am simply learning how to participate and swim along with my identity by observe those who dip their toes in it or do back strokes. Whatever the case may be, I am content with it now. I am content with being adaptable, and I am content with whatever the final outcome is. Having resolve that the flow of everything will take you to where you need to go is wonderful, but sometimes you must also steer yourself in the right direction.

Thank you for reading, sorry for being more cryptic than usual. I’ve been reading books again and they spark ideas.

-Ben