My brain is weird I think, well I have always thought this. On this morning night from which I write, I think it is stranger than most. My brain won’t stop bombarding me with constant creation and destruction of worlds inside of my head. Worlds of my own making. I love these little worlds, but sometimes trying to shut the damn mechanism off can be a real pain in the ass. I am unsure of what the cause my insomnia is on this night, it might be anywhere from my mind simply wandering about to much or it might be my brain just being odd and responding to my meds weirdly. Whatever the case may be, it is incredibly frustrating. Mainly because I have been striving to work on all this crazy stuff and I just need to slow down to be able to sleep. But no. My brain continues to march onwards into the endless void, a mechanism not stopped nor troubled about the droopiness of my eyelids. Earlier I felt tired, but it was the middle of the day and my meds do not allow for such glorious naps that I used to undertake, and now here I sit in bed curled up doing some writing instead of sleeping. The slumber I oh so crave alludes me. I have no reason to know why it does such to me here and now, but it seems to be the mischief afoot. The voices that rattle around my skull are confused and annoyed that they are being kept past their bed time. Thus is the lovely world of being an insomniac. We love this wonderful delirious world some days, but most days we have work to do. Things to see, places to be, faces to remember. Oh too long did I enjoy the world of insomnia, the madness that is paired with sleep deprivation is an elixir oh so addictive to me. For years I have slept very little and operated at a “normal” level, rather a delirious level. Sometimes you can do all the math, and the grand calculus of the universe has an exploit inside it. An exploit that you use and abuse for years and years until eventually you wish to solve the underlying problem. All this to say; you can avoid confronting issues and emotions if you have little energy for anything. With little energy, little amounts of emotion can pass through this filter of tiredness as it creates dense fog that only those who have stepped into the realms of madness can navigate. This fog can be made many ways, none recommended. For the longest time I traversed this fog because it was easier to create a problem that allowed the forced ignorance to the other problems. The feedback loops created with other mental illnesses in tandem to my insomnia was the least productive invention of my career. The answer “I’m tired” to almost everything can block out many things but it can also get annoying quickly. I still feel tired sometimes, but with my ADHD meds I can still function. My insomniac and depression days of utilizing a poor sleep schedule to my advantage seem to be in the past now, but sometimes I still lie awake at night on nights like this. The term I’ve heard in reference to this phenomenon is called “robo-tripping”. However, instead of abusing any substances for years my brain derived I could simply fuck up my sleep schedule and hazay! Delirious brain is like a high brain! I figured out that I could simulate the effects of being high in the sky without having to get high on any supply. I could have a surplus of delirious thoughts via a deficiency of sleepy time. Not the best idea but well it somehow got me through a bunch of stuff. I know it concerned my mother often, she would inquire on weather I was high and the shocking answer of no and grin would be extruded from my being. This is most amusing to me. What else it most amusing to me is that the simulated high that I created for years compares nothing to like actually getting high. Sorry Mom, I’ve gotten high on weed before. Shame on me, eh? The most peculiarly thing is in my experience that high is like nothing compared to my sleep deprived derived high. Like shit dude, weed ain’t got jack shit on delirium. So no, I do not continue to indulge in such things, which will probably make most people in my life happy to know. (Especially my mother lol) I will say, it doesn’t make sense getting high on weed when you have the type of insomnia and issues that I do. Like honestly it just kind of evens me out and feel like a normal person or helps me sit still for hours at a time, but that shit is expensive as fuck and also illegal in most places still. Its not worth the cost in money or jail time to do that kind of stuff, especially when I can get something better for free by just not sleeping for a bit. God, it’ll probably sound awful but I’ve turned my mental illnesses into tools that help me rather than things that hurt me. Insomnia can be really sucky sometimes though, and yet it combos good with a workaholic ADHD brain. And with that my dear reader, I think I should leave this train of thought hear.

Thank you for reading, I will post this in the morning I suppose. Sweet dreams readers!

-Ben