Where have I been? Where has the author that puts themself at such high standards been? Where has their efforts, thoughts, and feelings been? Why did they go from constantly posting trying to catch up to the wild self goals of having a single post for everyday that the blog has been up too not posting at all. Radio silence, a hiatus, the avatar vanishing. Well my dear reader, if there are any readers, I disappeared for a little bit to deal with some life things. Initially I just kinda burned myself out and also was studying for a class. And then everything snowballed from there.

The first event that started the snowball was mentioned, a major test came up and I had to cut my writing momentarily in order to properly study. This by all means is the tamest event in the long running series of events that is my life.

The second event came as sort of a surprise but also sort of not. My significant other informed me that we were not meant to be. I had been in denial that this was going to be the eventual outcome of our relationship, however 3 months of virtually emotional radio silence and distance kinda forewarned of the coming emotional crash. This ample timeframe I think allowed me to cope with the issue and go through all the stages eventually landing to acceptance that whatever path lay ahead I would travel with resolve. Oddly enough when relationships are coming to a close I always sense this gut feeling that says we must prepare ourselves for the oncoming storm. I process emotions and things faster than the majority of people, and this anticipation of the coming events means I end up pre-processing all this hurt and sadness. The result is a cold and calculated emotional maneuverability through the situation, a calm a midst the storm. Everything is clear and falls into place. So the day it happened, I had about 8 hours of this super pre-processing. Coupled with the three months of suspicions and boom the resulting conversation was way to analytical for a normal person. I feel bad about it, however I prefer this method as it means the emotional wound is clean and heals nicely. My former significant other honored my request from the beginning of our relationship. I always ask whoever I am going to date at the beginning that if we are to terminate our relationship romantically that they do so in a civil manner and that we continue our relationship as platonic friends. After all, I do not date anyone I would not be best friends with. I actively seek people that I would consider my best friend and I date them. So if we are not going to be dating anymore, I still would like to continue a friendship. Send memes, get lunch, hang out, and all that other best friend shit. Because she honored the request and did such and we discussed things we still chit chat and its not super awkward. I greatly appreciate this, despite our relationship not resulting in a long term romantic involvement it still resulted in a trustworthy individual in my life that is also my friend and will be my friend for the foreseeable future.

So why did our relationship end? Ultimately over the course of our relationship the amount of minor differences resulted in a sum that was too great to result in a long term romantic or life involvement. Entropy at its finest. Over time the minute differences in our personalities, aspirations, goals, and etc added up to slowing us down where the emotional inertia of love stopped. I think of it in the way of music, love is music between to souls. The music can be nice and relaxed background jazz at times, while other times its wild salsa dancing music. When you start to fall out of love with someone usually its the tempo of the background song going down, the beats per minute going lower and lower until finally the music stops. In this case the music just faded into the background, I think honestly and personally that the music changed its tune and still exists but as a platonic love rather than romantic love. I think the Germans have a word for it, or maybe its the Greeks. There are many types of love, for my anecdote we are just focusing on romantic and platonic love. All of my friends I love platonically, I want to hear and make sure they are doing ok and check up on them and be in their lives. This concept of platonic love I think is new and widely accepted by a lot of folks, it challenges a lot of preconceived notions. So I think that the music between me and my former person still exists, but as a platonic tune now. I still care for this person, I still hope they will do well in life, I still want to here from them. But instead of a slow dance alone with them on the dance floor, they are there with the crowd of friends I platonically love doing the cha cha slide. Honestly this is the best description of it I think, huh I might use this when explain it to others from now on. Love is music, and the music can either be between two individuals or a collective. I like it. Anyways, the music between us changed and we had to face it together. Took is a hot minute, probably because of denial, but we faced it. “We” had a cat that we had adopted together, officially its “we” which is really funny to me cause when the cat was bad or did something it was always “your” cat haha. Anyways, “we” had a cat who will be staying with me. My former significant other does still care about Andy, the cat, and has said she will happily help with things if stuff has gone awry for Andy which I deeply appreciate. This fact will be relevant later I swear, just bear with me about the fact that it is a key detail.

That breakup made me reevaluate a lot of things in my life, my direction and my identity. The death and rebirth of ego within my own mind. Certain things I had willingly made concessions on in the name of love where no longer limitations. I hate to call them that, but I felt in order for it to function and work well I would need to concede some things. I justified it as a necessary requirement because I was invested in this person and building a life with them. Honestly, I don’t think that’s a bad thing to do at all. It gave me a narrower set of goals or possibilities. There’s a mathematical concept called the degrees of infinity. Infinity means there is endless numbers, or endless possibilities. My mind works in probabilities, possibilities, goals, and all this different abstract concepts. I perceive there are infinite possibilities in my future, an overwhelming number of possible futures. By making concession and adding my own limitations I cut the mental amount of possibilities in half, and then in half again for every additional man made obstacles or limitations. This means that instead of there being infinite possibilities for me to explore, there’s only lets say half of the amount of infinite possibilities. Now its still an infinite amount, they both are. But abstract numbers and theory say that half of infinity is less than a whole infinity. So I created a man made limitation, a I would like to be with this person as it brings me joy, happiness, and stability. By limiting my options down to the infinite amount of possibilities to explore within the confines of including the requirements for this person to exist in my life. Wow I am way to logical sometimes, but it makes sense to me. Now we are no longer together, now I am back to a whole amount of infinite possibilities, where does my identity lie. What path am I too travel and traverse now? The death of an old identity path, and the birth of a new path. The space in between, limbo; a place of infinite possibilities. Where do I go next?

Where do I go next? A question that’s been ringing in my ears for the past few weeks. I’m a college student trying to discover new things about the world and myself. What will I do? Where will I go? I have no idea, I do know that where I go and do I am going to need to be able to be more mobile than I am now. So that started me on the path of clearing out my storage unit. For a while I have felt I’ve had this physical shackle of a storage unit, yes I could technically continue to pay for it and travel the world but that would remain a tether. A line to my former life, a place I would eventually have to return to retrieve a past part of myself. What if I don’t want to go back to where that storage unit is located? It created this dread and anxiety in my mind. I feared it and I hated it. So when she split ways with me I felt I needed to address the things in my life like this. I needed to make myself more mobile, my maneuverability needed to be updated in accordance with the new endless possibilities math. When a major life change occurs I think your environment should be changed as well in order to cope with the sudden rapid change in life. A break up, a death of a family member, or anything that shakes up your life massively. I think that it is a good thing to help facilitate these changes be going with the flow of life. I started small and rearranged my entire apartment. Then once it was in an order I was happy with I began the tiresome week long process of clearing out my storage unit. I moved everything. I donated things, I threw things away, and I kept some things. I laughed, I saw, and I cried. It was a therapeutic process that resulted in me being able to happily exist without this burden in my life. I removed another tether to my life, another limitation from my wild infinity equation. This makes life easier now, I no longer am as concerned about it. My things are being reduced in size, after all the majority of the things I have kept over the years I realized I will never us again. The objects are no longer needed. In there place I will be substituting a scrap book of memories and things from my life, pages and photos and stories of my things documented for me to reminisce over later on in life without having to worry about the where the object is or how well it has held up against the test of time. Now everything sits in my apartment, mostly gone through. I’ve chipped away at the marble statue the macro bits, now it is time for me to go granular. I’ll be craving into my collection of things at a finer level now, the micro level, grinding off rough edges and removing the things I don’t need to keep forever in life.

As awesome as rearranging my room and getting rid of things are I’ve recently been forced to get rid of a major thing in my life that I had anticipated to be a constant for the rest of my life: my car. This was the car I intended to drive a million miles and keep together by pure spite. Why did I have to get rid of it? Well earlier yesterday I was on my way to go see my family and I was run into by a lady at a 90 degree angle. As it has yet to be determined medical and auto stuff, I cannot say what the resolution is going to be for this situation. However I am pretty sure my car is totaled.

I paused and slept since that last paragraph, the car has definitely been totaled. I should be getting a pay out any day now, which shouldn’t be horrible. Sadly, I will have to search for a new car. But at least I am here, after all it is just a thing. I started writing this blog post right after the car accident. Now, I am writing this blog post after the accident about a week out from such events. I still am in this interesting state of not knowing what the future might hold. I am doing a little bit better, and right now the biggest issue I am dealing with has to do with productivity. I am trying to up my productivity, and I think I am finally at the point where I can. Recently I spoke with my doctor about getting my meds adjusted upwards so that I could start being more productive for longer. And its definitely been effective. I get so much done in a day its insane! However, because I get so much done in a single day I end up sitting there when I have completed a task sometimes for minutes sometimes for hours, thinking. Pondering what task I want to do next, ultimately thinking about how much I have accomplished that day. Turning around and going nah, no more for me today thanks. I feel like I’ve completed a shit ton of things and that because I have I can now let myself rest. I’m trying to get out of that mindset, or figure out a much more conducive mindset. Just because some days your more productive than others doesn’t mean the days your not productive don’t count towards your running total.

I think I am going to be coming back now. I think the life events that have happened and everything is slowly getting past me. I think I am going to be able to sit down and breath for a minute and not have to deal with my own anxiety breathing down my neck. But who knows. I just know that I feel like I get possessed by a workaholic ghost for days to months at a time, and then its followed by a lazy ghost for a long time as well. I think that I will be fine, I think finally sitting down to finish writing about it has allowed me to finally concisely move past it. This is my boulder that I must carry. Sometimes I set it down to carry other things, but I always ultimately come back to it and carry that sucker further and further.

So until next time I post, hopefully soon, I wish my readers a wonderful day and a wonderful life.

Thank you for reading and supporting!

-Ben