Another week another reflection, well maybe not another “week” per say! So what has been happening in my world? Well there’s been online summer classes, gardening, a new roommate, work, and really that’s been about it. My online summer classes have been nice and chilled out, next week I start statistics in-person which means I sadly will have to cut down on my gardening. Which I am currently ok with. That is a whole other story but eh, its ok. I’ll have to relay it later on, its quite a funny thing. I’ve been having a blast gardening though! It’s been hot and I hate that but I have had so much fun gardening! My new roommate is “dope as hell” and my new best friend to be honest. I’ve been hanging out with him and my wonderful significant other and we’ve been watching all the movies. It’s been rather enjoyable! Otherwise I’ve been at work and enjoying the relaxed vibe of my current job. Then there are few other things I have thought about.

I have been thinking about the idea of getting a job wherein I can work from home full time and get paid. I really like the idea and feel like I can pull it off especially with my skill set. I’ve felt motivated to do such, and I have started applying for things. I feel like I need to look more. I think I feel unfulfilled as of right now because I feel ready to be out in the work force doing greater things and getting paid more. I’ve done all the math, and technically I could continue with my current job and be perfectly happy. Of course my current job will essentially only be covering my housing, my other expenses seem to be burning to big of a whole in my pocket comparatively. Well honestly not a massive hole, I am not too worried there. I just feel unhappy; I feel like I could and should be in a more active and challenging work environment. Not saying my current job isn’t exciting and challenging, it is. It is just also a student worker position. It pays me well enough, and I am content with it. I think that a byproduct of fixing some of the mental things I have going is that I feel bored and in the need to work myself. Currently I feel like my writing is the solution, and it is to an extent. However, I have yet to build it out. There is no one listening. I am typing into an endless void as of right now. Which I have dealt with, and I am ok with. But I know that there is a longing, I desire to work. I believe myself to be a workaholic with nothing to do. Well there’s plenty to do, I am motivated without direction right now. Or maybe too many directions. I need to focus on the direction I wish to move in. I think I must refocus on such. This is a good thing, I think that the best way to solve your issues is to some self-diagnostics and self-solution. After all, there is no way to change and alter behaviors you have unless you yourself realize and understand them. My adaption to my environment has become a very good thing. I am a very adaptable person in my own opinion, I think I just need to adapt to the predictive text I am currently in. I have felt unmotivated for a hot minute, maybe I need to kick my motivation into gear once more. I need to create, not to scream into the void only but to fill the void in my heart. I have been trying to do such, however I have felt behind my own self curve. I feel I can describe myself as someone who has expectations for myself that I often have yet to meet. Not normal exceptions, I feel I have fulfilled those, but creative expectations. So, in order to be certain I fulfill myself I will being working non-stop on some of my endeavors that I seem to have forgotten and neglected. I must course correct recursively back to where I feel I must be. I do love my gardening endeavors, but I feel I must become more artistic and creative once more. Limiting those things so I can endeavor with my creations and searching for jobs more organically rather than picking things up.

I know that I am a mixed bag of emotions right now, however I also know that the only way to fix this bag per say is to do it myself. How else am I supposed to do it? I must endeavor once more. I must write, I must record, and I must edit things. No more will I stand on the side lines of my own life waiting for things to happen. I must be back on the field, running and dodging the great mysteries. I seem to have the spurts, or waves where I do such then I sit down and do nothing. This is something I have learned and I need to correct. My ramblings into the endless void only serve to give myself a history of where I have already been to where I intend to be going. Time to continue the ideas. Time to continue my own neural legacy. After all, the inner machinations of my own mind will only exist as an ephemeral fleeting thought if they are yet put to paper. No more! There shall be more I have made! Damn this cycle I have cursed myself with! Damn it!

Thank you for reading, please do not be confused or worried. I write like a stream of consciousness on a gramma phone, I simply write what I think, and I think that I need to make changes. This must be my next evolution in therapy, I have lied to myself countless times, and I will lie to myself countless more. But at a certain point, the repetition of a lie becomes a truth. I am not always the most brilliant in spoken word, but I often am when it comes to my writing I think. Whatever this madness is that I write, I think it clever but others might not see such. Damn dawg that sucks, I must write. So I leave you know, final paragraph longer than intended. Happier to be correcting and diagnosing.

-Ben